A house full of ideas

Or, more accurately, full of the byproducts of ideas – the remnants of ideas partially conceived or half-implemented but almost always abandoned before completion. There’s the cookie cutters purchased for holiday baking that are still in the package. There’s drawers of yarn, paint, paper, containers, egg cartons, knitting needles and crochet hooks. There’s bags and bins of cloth and patterns, some have which have been combined into the hint of a piece of clothing. There’s portions of rooms with a modicum of organizational structure and the intentions to create sustainable routines.

In other words, CLUTTER.

Confessions of a bad mom

I feel bad for my children. I mean, I’m not the worst, but I’m so friggin selfish and undisciplined… I’m not great, not even good or in the same ballpark as my mother. I hope that she’s somehow filling in for some of my deficiencies.

I want my children to feel loved and special and appreciated. But instead of thanking my daughter for the compliment when she praises my hair-handling abilities (I had just braided her hair for her), I explained how very bad with hair I am. Wtf is wrong with me?

Of course, that’s a very small example, but it kind of shows how I’m always focused on myself. I want to change, to grow up, but I also want to do lots of other things that get in the way of that. Should have sorted that out before having children.

Communication is the key

And unfortunately, I locked it in the car with the windows rolled up and the alarm activated.

I’m noticing more often (after-the-fact, of course) that my way of speaking tends to be very indirect. I think I’m saying/asking what I mean to, but I’m really not. Why is that, and how do I recognize it in the moment, when it could actually be useful?

It’s personal

(Meaning, really not of interest to anyone else)

My husband is pissing me off again. He’s throwing a temper tantrum because his understanding of a situation was faulty, and I don’t do the placating thing my mom always did with my dad. If M acts like a dick, a douchebag, an A-hole, then I will respond accordingly.

It happens so frequently that I don’t know if this can possibly last much longer. What’s the algorithm for determining the net worth of a relationship?

My children are such… proof that I’m a bad mom

Any time I take them out in public, they run around like their tails are on fire, and I haven’t the slightest idea how to get them to settle down and behave.

I hope they just naturally improve over time because I’m so discouraged whenever I try getting them some exposure that I mostly avoid such situations. If not, I suppose they could have a future in a zoo exhibit.

You need It to get It

Lately, I’ve been feeling too tired, like all my mental resources have been exhausted and I don’t have two thoughts to rub together. And of course I’m aware of all kinds of healthy habits that would probably improve my energy levels – but I’d need to have some threshold level of reserve energy to implement those habits. Once the downward spiral gets going, it’s so much harder to turn it around.

And thinking about energy levels, I need to do more than just “fill my tank”. After all, if my tank only holds 10 gallons but my (desired) lifestyle requires 15 gallons a day, I’m always going to be running out. I want to upgrade my overall capacity. The new and improved ATP 2000 Z series storage system. How much does that cost?

Spring and things

I haven’t posted anything in a few days because I’ve been too busy playing a phone app game. I should be ashamed of myself… smh 😅 But now that I have my computer fixed, I can find plenty of other ways to waste time.

Spring feels like it’s really here, though, and the kids were amusing themselves with time trials of running around Grandma’s front yard. In fact, sending the children outside to play may be one of my favorite perks of Spring.

And speaking of Spring, I can’t believe we’re already into April. I think the world is spinning faster, atoms have begun resonating faster, and my future is disappearing into the past faster than ever before. It’s scary. I’d better get a move-on, or my dreams and goals will be a-moving on without me.

1 Arbitrary Victory Point

I did eat a donut this morning (only because it was from Hinkley’s, other types wouldn’t have been as tempting). However, I am still awarding myself a victory point for today, because I did not eat any of the pizza or cheese bread that my husband picked up for dinner. Yay me!

I also want to note that I had a dream last night that involved two doodles (as in, line drawings scribbled on a page) sitting at a cafe table, complaining about the bad ideas/mistakes their creator(s) made in drawing them. I don’t know what else was in that dream, but I’m kind of stumped as to its source.