I feel bad for my children. I mean, I’m not the worst, but I’m so friggin selfish and undisciplined… I’m not great, not even good or in the same ballpark as my mother. I hope that she’s somehow filling in for some of my deficiencies.

I want my children to feel loved and special and appreciated. But instead of thanking my daughter for the compliment when she praises my hair-handling abilities (I had just braided her hair for her), I explained how very bad with hair I am. Wtf is wrong with me?

Of course, that’s a very small example, but it kind of shows how I’m always focused on myself. I want to change, to grow up, but I also want to do lots of other things that get in the way of that. Should have sorted that out before having children.

I’ve been busy playing with our new 3D printer, and I’ve discovered I’m more excited about finding designs to print for other people than for myself. Weird.

And unfortunately, I locked it in the car with the windows rolled up and the alarm activated.

I’m noticing more often (after-the-fact, of course) that my way of speaking tends to be very indirect. I think I’m saying/asking what I mean to, but I’m really not. Why is that, and how do I recognize it in the moment, when it could actually be useful?

Any time I take them out in public, they run around like their tails are on fire, and I haven’t the slightest idea how to get them to settle down and behave.

I hope they just naturally improve over time because I’m so discouraged whenever I try getting them some exposure that I mostly avoid such situations. If not, I suppose they could have a future in a zoo exhibit.

Lately, I’ve been feeling too tired, like all my mental resources have been exhausted and I don’t have two thoughts to rub together. And of course I’m aware of all kinds of healthy habits that would probably improve my energy levels – but I’d need to have some threshold level of reserve energy to implement those habits. Once the downward spiral gets going, it’s so much harder to turn it around.

And thinking about energy levels, I need to do more than just “fill my tank”. After all, if my tank only holds 10 gallons but my (desired) lifestyle requires 15 gallons a day, I’m always going to be running out. I want to upgrade my overall capacity. The new and improved ATP 2000 Z series storage system. How much does that cost?

I haven’t posted anything in a few days because I’ve been too busy playing a phone app game. I should be ashamed of myself… smh 😅 But now that I have my computer fixed, I can find plenty of other ways to waste time.

Spring feels like it’s really here, though, and the kids were amusing themselves with time trials of running around Grandma’s front yard. In fact, sending the children outside to play may be one of my favorite perks of Spring.

And speaking of Spring, I can’t believe we’re already into April. I think the world is spinning faster, atoms have begun resonating faster, and my future is disappearing into the past faster than ever before. It’s scary. I’d better get a move-on, or my dreams and goals will be a-moving on without me.

I did eat a donut this morning (only because it was from Hinkley’s, other types wouldn’t have been as tempting). However, I am still awarding myself a victory point for today, because I did not eat any of the pizza or cheese bread that my husband picked up for dinner. Yay me!

I also want to note that I had a dream last night that involved two doodles (as in, line drawings scribbled on a page) sitting at a cafe table, complaining about the bad ideas/mistakes their creator(s) made in drawing them. I don’t know what else was in that dream, but I’m kind of stumped as to its source.

When you come back from a vacation/time-off, people ask how it was. I know this. Instead of being prepared with neat, concise answer, though, I went all extemporaneous and bored people with an imprecise and wishy-washy response that ultimately conveyed almost nothing.

Blegh.

Or…

Teaching children to be gambling addicts with every random ticket win!

Also, I meant to learn a little conversational Japanese in preparation for the arrival of my sister’s fiance, but I’m pretty much out of time. How many times can I get away with nodding and saying, “Arigatou” or “Sumimasen”?

Still surviving, though the natives aren’t just growing restless – they’ve been in full-on riot mode since minute one. There’s been little progress on the homefront, but a few transport repairs have gone forward. I’m hoping the communications and skill enhancement system will be brought back online next, so I will no longer have to suffer the indignities of mobile gaming.

Perhaps some day we’ll be able to harness the crazy amounts of chaotic energy I witness in my environment on a daily basis, but I fear it will be too late to save my sanity.